Thursday, September 24, 2015

Mourning Memories Lost

A lost memory
As I've talked about before, I was very sick last November. I lost five days and woke up in the hospital the day before Thanksgiving in the ICU after having a series of seizures. Those five days are completely gone, though I'm not missing much - according to my husband, I mostly slept.

My brain is weird. That's pretty much the only diagnosis I've ever gotten. This is the 2nd time I've lost time, but this case was different. For a while, I didn't remember much of everything from last year. A lot of those memories did come back, but I knew the closer we got to November, I would get to a dead zone where I didn't remember much.

Memories are very important to me, probably in part because my mom is passed away and I don't have a ton of pictures of her. She is suppose to live on in my memory and she does - thankfully my long term memory was not affected.

For a while after I got home from the hospital, it seemed like every day I was finding something that I had forgotten. I was so excited to watch the movie Divergent again because I did remember that I had loved it in the theater, but when I started the movie I didn't remember any of it.

It's been months since I've experienced finding out something I forgot until last week. I saw on Facebook that one of my online friends had passed away, and thanks to the Timehop app a few days after that, I saw that I did know that he had died, but I had forgot.

We weren't close friends. Mostly online friends who met a few times at local Browncoat events but I felt extremely guilty that I had completely forgotten that he was gone. It's silly I know, but that's how I felt.

It also means that I'm in the dead zone now. From now until the day before Thanksgiving, my memories of last year are fuzzy at best. And a lot happened in October of last year that I wish that I could remember.

The only thing I can really remember about Emily's birthday is running to the dollar store near our house, but I don't remember why. The only things I remember from the Browncoat Ball is playing Cards Against Humanity with lots of people including Mikey Mason and then feeling sick to my stomach during the dance itself. Halloween I don't remember anything.

Because I had gone through the memory merry-go-round earlier, I didn't think it would be a big deal when I got to this point. But I realize now, that I'm still mourning for the lost memories. Thankfully I'm a big fan of social media and taking lots of pictures, so I've pieced together some of what happened. But I just don't remember it.

I'm sure I'll get over it, but the next few months may be harder than I anticipated. The healing just continues. I'm going to try and focus on making new memories as well.

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