Imperfect Bodies

Me at the end of high school

Last week, a wonderful author friend of mine posted a really moving post about her history of body issues. It made me think a lot about my own issues with my own imperfect body.

My mom was a beautiful woman. She wasn't very tall but she was naturally skinny with a beautiful face. She was as close to the ideal that I've seen without plastic surgery. This made me feel like my body was about as far from the ideal as I could get from a young age.

I did not inherit my mom's skinny genes. My body type comes from my dad, so I'm short and squat. I have hips and I have boobs. But I also have a tendency to be overweight. Add in that I've always preferred reading and watching TV over any kind of exercise, I've been considered overweight since I was a teenager.

Looking back at pictures now, I wasn't really overweight. My body is shaped to carry more weight around my middle because of the hips that I've got. Even now when I'm actually overweight, I'm still carrying all the extra weight in my middle.

But my body issues really started before I even hit puberty. You see, I'm extremely short. My parents were concerned about how short I was when I was a kid. They even, briefly, looked into having me stretched because my doctor thought I would be under five feet. The 80's were a strange time.

In the end, I did reach five feet but barely. I've met women who were shorter but not very many. I'm a hobbit, short and round. And I was bullied because I was short and round for many years.

In elementary school, I was teased for being short. In middle school, I was verbally and physically abused by this girl who was twice as big as I was. I think the reason she bullied me was because I was so much smaller than she was.

In high school, I was still bullied for my size but now it was also because I was hugely geeky and didn't hide it at all. I wasn't bullied as much as I was in middle school, but I do remember vividly an incident where I was surrounded by a bunch of guys. One of them forced me to kiss him - he and his friends thought this was so funny.

I was so embarrassed at the time. And I felt like I had done something wrong to warrant such behavior. Looking back on it now, I know that I had been assaulted. I hate even now to call it a sexual assault but it kind of was. This guy forced himself on me even though it was only a kiss.

I never told my mom about that incident. I just wanted to forget it and move on. My mom stood up

Me now

for me - she causing a ruckus with the principal was how the bullying, at least the physical stuff, stopped in middle school. But she also is one of the main reasons why I have a poor view of my body.

Mom was well meaning but she was always on me to lose weight. She'd tell me that boys would like me more if I lost weight among other things. I'm honestly a bit lazy so I didn't do much about it. I still would have rather read than exercise. My sister, who is got my dad's genes too, went overboard - she was anorexic for a while when she was in high school. She was obsessed with being skinny like our mom.

Going to college helped me with my body issues. I was on my own for the first time, and I realized that I was pretty. Still not hot or overly attractive, but pretty. I started dating and my first boyfriend was head over heels for me. Unfortunately he was also extremely tall which made things very awkward since I'm so short.

I was in the best shape of my life in college because I walked everywhere. But I still had a thick middle and my mom still got on me to lose weight. Even though I was not the ideal, I dated some in college.

After college and after my mom passed, I got rounder. Going from walking everywhere to sitting at a desk all day made me put on a lot of weight. The grief of losing my mom plus the chronic pain issues that started soon after, and I was round.

Even though my body is not ideal, I still managed to attract my wonderful husband. Even though my body fails me in lots of ways with my chronic pain, it also helped me grow and nourish Emily.

Todd and I were talking about it a while ago and we both realize that neither of us will ever be skinny. He's very solid and even though he's lost a lot of weight, he's still a big guy. Even if I lose the 50 pounds I'd like to for health reasons, I'll still have a thick middle. That's just how we were made.

I hope to teach Emily to love her imperfect body the way it is. No-one is perfect so we need to stop trying to achieve an ideal that isn't possible.

Chronic Pain and Working Out

I've always been overweight. A combination of genes, not really liking sports and liking reading / watching TV all contributed to that. I would walk with my parents when I was younger and living at home, but I wasn't too keen on it.

Most of my college years I was forced to exercise because I didn't have a car and had to walk everywhere. I was in pretty good shape then but then I got a car and backslide a little. After I graduated from college, I didn't really exercise at all. I was dealing with my mom's death and working my first full time job.

A year after I graduated my chronic pain started and I became acutely aware of my health. I didn't try to exercise that first year because I was trying to get a hold of the pain. But I did start trying to work out after that in order to try and be healthy in general.

I tried a lot of things. Dance Dance Revolution was one of my favorites, but it is really an intense workout so I could only do it once in a while. Mostly I'd just try to walk when I could.

After Emily was born, I got a jogging stroller and would try to run with Emily but it was hard. When I went back to school, I took yoga every semester I could but I wasn't really losing any weight because of that.

I had heard about the Couch to 5K program when I started trying to jog, but I found it extremely hard to try and time when I was suppose to walk and when I was suppose to run. I got a smart phone and found an help that helped a lot. We also got a treadmill which allowed me to run indoors.

But my chronic pain still makes it hard to exercise. I ran on and off last year and I did lose 20 pounds of the course of the year. I've kept it off but without exercise, I've mostly hit a wall. I tried to start running at the first of the year, but the flu and Todd ending up in the hospital ended that quickly.

Yesterday I managed to get back on the treadmill but I had to start back at Day 1, Week 1 of Couch to 5K. I hope that I will finish the program and keep back up with it, but it's slow going. I woke up today with another migraine (in part because I also woke up with a cold) so it's going to be a rest day.

Even with my chronic pain, I am on a quest to get healthier. Hopefully I will actually be able to finish Couch to 5K this year!