Imperfect Bodies

Me at the end of high school

Last week, a wonderful author friend of mine posted a really moving post about her history of body issues. It made me think a lot about my own issues with my own imperfect body.

My mom was a beautiful woman. She wasn't very tall but she was naturally skinny with a beautiful face. She was as close to the ideal that I've seen without plastic surgery. This made me feel like my body was about as far from the ideal as I could get from a young age.

I did not inherit my mom's skinny genes. My body type comes from my dad, so I'm short and squat. I have hips and I have boobs. But I also have a tendency to be overweight. Add in that I've always preferred reading and watching TV over any kind of exercise, I've been considered overweight since I was a teenager.

Looking back at pictures now, I wasn't really overweight. My body is shaped to carry more weight around my middle because of the hips that I've got. Even now when I'm actually overweight, I'm still carrying all the extra weight in my middle.

But my body issues really started before I even hit puberty. You see, I'm extremely short. My parents were concerned about how short I was when I was a kid. They even, briefly, looked into having me stretched because my doctor thought I would be under five feet. The 80's were a strange time.

In the end, I did reach five feet but barely. I've met women who were shorter but not very many. I'm a hobbit, short and round. And I was bullied because I was short and round for many years.

In elementary school, I was teased for being short. In middle school, I was verbally and physically abused by this girl who was twice as big as I was. I think the reason she bullied me was because I was so much smaller than she was.

In high school, I was still bullied for my size but now it was also because I was hugely geeky and didn't hide it at all. I wasn't bullied as much as I was in middle school, but I do remember vividly an incident where I was surrounded by a bunch of guys. One of them forced me to kiss him - he and his friends thought this was so funny.

I was so embarrassed at the time. And I felt like I had done something wrong to warrant such behavior. Looking back on it now, I know that I had been assaulted. I hate even now to call it a sexual assault but it kind of was. This guy forced himself on me even though it was only a kiss.

I never told my mom about that incident. I just wanted to forget it and move on. My mom stood up

Me now

for me - she causing a ruckus with the principal was how the bullying, at least the physical stuff, stopped in middle school. But she also is one of the main reasons why I have a poor view of my body.

Mom was well meaning but she was always on me to lose weight. She'd tell me that boys would like me more if I lost weight among other things. I'm honestly a bit lazy so I didn't do much about it. I still would have rather read than exercise. My sister, who is got my dad's genes too, went overboard - she was anorexic for a while when she was in high school. She was obsessed with being skinny like our mom.

Going to college helped me with my body issues. I was on my own for the first time, and I realized that I was pretty. Still not hot or overly attractive, but pretty. I started dating and my first boyfriend was head over heels for me. Unfortunately he was also extremely tall which made things very awkward since I'm so short.

I was in the best shape of my life in college because I walked everywhere. But I still had a thick middle and my mom still got on me to lose weight. Even though I was not the ideal, I dated some in college.

After college and after my mom passed, I got rounder. Going from walking everywhere to sitting at a desk all day made me put on a lot of weight. The grief of losing my mom plus the chronic pain issues that started soon after, and I was round.

Even though my body is not ideal, I still managed to attract my wonderful husband. Even though my body fails me in lots of ways with my chronic pain, it also helped me grow and nourish Emily.

Todd and I were talking about it a while ago and we both realize that neither of us will ever be skinny. He's very solid and even though he's lost a lot of weight, he's still a big guy. Even if I lose the 50 pounds I'd like to for health reasons, I'll still have a thick middle. That's just how we were made.

I hope to teach Emily to love her imperfect body the way it is. No-one is perfect so we need to stop trying to achieve an ideal that isn't possible.

Bikini Body

Like a lot of women, I have had body issues since I was younger. My mom was super skinny, but I didn't get her genes. I got the genes from my dad's side of the family. I'm all curves but I also have a tendency to be overweight. Add in the fact that I was never very active, and I've never been skinny since I hit puberty.

My mom caused a lot of my body issues. I know she meant well but she would talk consistently about how I was overweight and how she wanted me to lose weight. It was hard to hear from someone who I loved so much and from someone who was skinny without trying.

As a teenager, I preferred to read, watch TV and play video games than be active at all. I did play soccer and softball, but I didn't really enjoy it. When I went to college, I was in the best shape of my life because I had no car and had to walk everywhere.

Once I had a car and especially once I was done with college, I started getting rounder. I would try to work out but my chronic pain made that sporadic at best. But I didn't think I looked that bad - I did know that I wouldn't look good in things that were tight fitting so I steered away from things like that.

I got pregnant with Emily and I lost a ton of weight during my first trimester. Being pregnant is the only time when you are suppose to have a fat belly and even though I didn't enjoy being pregnant, I liked the way I looked.

But since Emily was born via c-section, my stomach now is not great. The years after Emily was born, I was at my highest weight ever. I have been able to lose quite a bit in the last year or so, but I'm still a far cry from my college days.

Since it's summer, there have been posts and memes floating around the internet about body acceptance. I try to be happy with my body - Emily and Todd think I'm beautiful and I don't think I'm ugly. But I still sometimes hear my mom's words ringing in my ears.

Yesterday I was doing some cleaning in my room and Emily was in there. I found an old bikini from my college days and I tried it on for the fun of it. It fit though I had some boob leakage issues.

Emily kissed my tummy and told me that I should wear it, that I should show my tummy. She's only five but hearing her say that really made me realize that my body is fine. I'll never be thin because my body shape, but I will continue to exercise and stay fit.

I had her take a picture of me in the bikini, though I don't think I'll wear it to the pool today. I'd be afraid of having wardrobe malfunction because the top is tight. But I think on my way to being more accepting of my body and maybe I'll get a bikini whenever I get a new swimsuit.