Friday, June 20, 2014

Bikini Body

Like a lot of women, I have had body issues since I was younger. My mom was super skinny, but I didn't get her genes. I got the genes from my dad's side of the family. I'm all curves but I also have a tendency to be overweight. Add in the fact that I was never very active, and I've never been skinny since I hit puberty.

My mom caused a lot of my body issues. I know she meant well but she would talk consistently about how I was overweight and how she wanted me to lose weight. It was hard to hear from someone who I loved so much and from someone who was skinny without trying.

As a teenager, I preferred to read, watch TV and play video games than be active at all. I did play soccer and softball, but I didn't really enjoy it. When I went to college, I was in the best shape of my life because I had no car and had to walk everywhere.

Once I had a car and especially once I was done with college, I started getting rounder. I would try to work out but my chronic pain made that sporadic at best. But I didn't think I looked that bad - I did know that I wouldn't look good in things that were tight fitting so I steered away from things like that.

I got pregnant with Emily and I lost a ton of weight during my first trimester. Being pregnant is the only time when you are suppose to have a fat belly and even though I didn't enjoy being pregnant, I liked the way I looked.

But since Emily was born via c-section, my stomach now is not great. The years after Emily was born, I was at my highest weight ever. I have been able to lose quite a bit in the last year or so, but I'm still a far cry from my college days.

Since it's summer, there have been posts and memes floating around the internet about body acceptance. I try to be happy with my body - Emily and Todd think I'm beautiful and I don't think I'm ugly. But I still sometimes hear my mom's words ringing in my ears.

Yesterday I was doing some cleaning in my room and Emily was in there. I found an old bikini from my college days and I tried it on for the fun of it. It fit though I had some boob leakage issues.

Emily kissed my tummy and told me that I should wear it, that I should show my tummy. She's only five but hearing her say that really made me realize that my body is fine. I'll never be thin because my body shape, but I will continue to exercise and stay fit.

I had her take a picture of me in the bikini, though I don't think I'll wear it to the pool today. I'd be afraid of having wardrobe malfunction because the top is tight. But I think on my way to being more accepting of my body and maybe I'll get a bikini whenever I get a new swimsuit.

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