The State of Mandy

I may do these posts from time to time - in part so I can see how my recovery is progressing.

It has been a little over two weeks since I was let out of the hospital. Since then, I'm back to work full time. I'm very thankful that my job let me ease back into working by letting me do half days the first week back. And I'm thankful my job didn't try to fire me. I know there are jobs out there that would have - I've heard the horror stories. But I have a super boss who's been great throughout all of this.

The depression is getting better since I'm bad on my antidepressants. I have up days and down days but it's not the black cloud of doom I felt before. If I didn't have Todd and Emily, I may have been suicidal before - that's how bad I felt. But thankfully the pills are helping. Now the depression I feel is situational, because this situation sucks. But it's not as deep and black which is good.

I'm still pretty tired. Not as bad as the first week in December. Even working half days would wipe me right out. I did way over do it on Sunday. We went to church and went early because the choir I'm in was singing. After choir was Sunday School. I go to the Blessed and Stressed class and now that Todd has to come, he goes too. We are blessed but certainly stressed. It's a class kind of geared towards parents trying to juggle everything.

We went home and just vegged for a bit before Todd dropped Emily and I off at the Mountain Play Lodge for a birthday party. Todd had mixed up the dates and had volunteered to work on a friend of a friend's car. So I had to go with Emily while Todd worked on the car.

I mostly sat in the nice chairs they have but Emily would want me to come see what she was doing. I would also do my normal thing of take some pictures of Emily. Todd did come just before pizza and cake time. It was just brakes and he's really good at that.

Things were starting to get spinny at that point. I ate some pizza, and then some pie and ice cream. Not because I was hungry but because I was hoping it will help stop me from feeling so weak. It didn't. After the party, we went to the grocery store, and got some food. I had to hold onto the cart and Todd had to steer to. But we made it through and I ended back in bed.

I've been feeling a little better since then but still majorly tired. I have a bit of a cold which is not helping but trying to get over that too. It's winter and I have a kid so that's going to happen.

The memory issues are still plaguing me. Not much change there. Memory lapses like passwords still happen and I'm still glad I'm not allowed to drive. Around the house, I don't have issues but out and about I still have flashes of 'where the heck am I?'

Sadly I realized the last few days that I don't remember hardly anything from the Browncoat Ball, Emily's Birthday or Halloween. Makes me sad but not trying to push it. I'm staying away from pictures of all three because I don't want to overload myself.

Christmas is fast approaching and I'm feeling better about it - at least more than when the dark cloud of depression was handing over me. But honestly I'm ready for it to be over and for it to be 2015. I'm ready for a new start.

But I'm very thankful for all the family and friends who has been so supportive of us. I really, really appreciate it

Depression and Suicide

Image: wikipedia.com

I've been reading Emily a chapter of Coraline most nights, which has been making our bedtime routine a little longer than it previously has been. I was offline for about a half hour doing bedtime things with her - potty, teeth, story, song, prayers and finally tuckering her in.

I did what I do most nights and I opened up Facebook on my phone to find that Robin Williams had been found dead of an apparent suicide. I had no idea that he had been suffering from depression.

He made up a lot of bits of my childhood. I remember watching him in Mork and Mindy as a very small child. I loved him as the genie in Aladdin and as Peter Pan in Hook. He was just a great, great entertainer.

Depression is a serious disease and it breaks my heart that it has claimed another life. I never really understood depression until I started having issues with it myself. I've talked about my struggles with depression before.

Depression drains you of hope, but like The Bloggess says, depression lies. Depression tells you that you are worthless, that life isn't worth it. But there is hope out there.

There can be such a stigma with taking antidepressants but I don't understand why. When I finally got help when I had postpartum depression, it was like a veil had been lifted. I had been in darkness for eight months and didn't realize something was wrong because depression wants you to think that it's the norm.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I still am on antidepressants. I suffer from depression and anxiety - those little pills that I take help me lead a happier life.

My thoughts and prayers are with Robin Williams and his loved ones tonight. It makes my heart ache that he felt he had to take that final step. But I truly hope that he is at peace now.