Saturday, July 13, 2013

My Struggles with Depression

The face of depression (and a Stormtrooper)
I think everyone with chronic pain experiences depression sometimes. In my case, I've experiences two types of depression. This isn't scientific but I’ve found that my depression is either situational or chemical.

Situational means that I’m in a situation that sucks and there isn't much that I can do about it, so I get depressed. Chemical depression is when there is a chemical imbalance in my body. Both kinds are not any fun but they feel different to me.

When my chronic pain started, I went through nine months of trying different treatments that didn't work. I became increasingly more depressed as the time went on because the pain was constant and bad. There was a logical reason why I was depressed so when my doctor put me on an antidepressant, it didn't work. This was situational depression because my situation at the time sucked.

I managed to work my way out of my depression as I got a hold on my pain. I didn't deal with ongoing depression again until after my daughter was born. It took me eight months to figure out that I was suffering from postpartum depression. The thing that clued me into the fact that I was dealing with a chemical imbalance was that we were supposed to go to a local convention and I wasn't excited or happy at all. I just felt down and out of sorts. I knew that I needed help at that point and I went to my doctor. I got put on antidepressants and I felt like a whole new person once they started working.

I eventually went off the antidepressants as the postpartum depression got better. Last year, I started having panic attacks because of my family drama. I cut several people out of my life and I felt much better, so I went off the antidepressants again. In this case I think it was a little chemical with a lot of situational depression because the antidepressants helped but getting rid of the awful people in my life was what helped the most.

It was about a year later when I started feeling out of control with depression and panic attacks. This was all chemical because things were going pretty well with my life. I felt totally out of control and wasn't just acting like myself. I got back to the doctor and got back on antidepressants. For now, I’m not planning on going off the antidepressants. I felt so much better once I got back on the pills.

This week I've been experiencing some situational depression. My pain levels have been very high and it’s been making it hard for me to do just about anything beyond working and caring for Emily. I feel really worthless when my pain levels skyrocket, in part because I've lost several friends due to my chronic pain and depression. But like the Bloggess says, Depression Lies and I try to muddle through any type of depression I experience.


  1. It's awful that it's this spiral that feeds on itself. The problems depression causes lead to more miserable situations, and it can just dig you deeper and deeper and take more and more energy. Though I do not believe I suffer from depression I know how it feels to be constantly fighting just to tread water. The fact that you do it and take such good care of your little one is quite impressive. Thank you for sharing. You give strength to your readers, even those going through something different than you are.

  2. Aww, thanks :) I feel strange about sharing sometimes because I've lost friendships because of talking about my depression. But hopefully it will help someone

  3. That's a good distinction to make between situational and chemical depression. Lots of people don't figure that out, nor that the solution to each is different. And oddly enough, I needed the reminder that they're different myself today! :)

    1. I think a lot of people are over-medicated sometimes because the difference isn't made. I'm feeling down this week even with my anti-depressants because it's the week between my mom's birthday and her death day. So it's normal for me to be a bit depressed.