Guns and School Shootings

Image: fox4kc.com

I don't often voice any views on here about hot button topics. Something that may change as we go into an election year. But I wanted to get something off my chest.

Yesterday, there was yet another school shooting. I got the news late because I was at choir practice - I sing in the women's choir at my church. As we were singing praises to the Lord, more people lost their lives to guns.

As a mom, I'm not terribly rational on this subject. I truly want my kid and everyone else's kid in America to be safe. So yes, even though this may not be a popular opinion, I want to take your guns.

Even before I was a parent, I've never liked guns. They make me feel extremely uncomfortable. I've fired a gun exactly once in my life. When I was in college, friends and I went to my roommate's house for the weekend. We went hunting and I was given the opportunity to shoot the hunting rifle. Firing that gun once solidified my intense dislike of guns.

My husband has guns, he's gone hunting quite a bit in his youth as many males growing up in Michigan too. All of his guns are at his parent's house currently which makes me happy. If they were here, they would be under lock and key that Emily would not have access too.

Even Todd, who is not uncomfortable with guns, thinks that we need stricter gun control laws in this country. He also thinks that nothing will be done because the NRA is such a loud voice in Washington, and it makes my heart sick to think he is right.

Yes, I know people will think 'guns don't kill people, people kill people.' They have a bit of a point, but guns make it so much easier to kill so many more people at once. It's sickening how easily you can kill with a gun.

While I do think that gun control laws would help quite a bit with this epidemic of shootings in our country, we also have to consider the people doing the shooting. Honestly you have to be pretty screwed up to even consider walking into a high school, college or movie theater and decide to shoot the place up.

The stigma of mental health issues has to get better. People with depression and other mental health issues need to be able to get the help they need. I suffer from depression, and without my anti-depressants, I'm a whole different person. I don't think even then I would want to kill anyone, except perhaps myself. But everyone's brains are different.

It's a sad state of affairs when we have mass shooting after mass shooting after mass shooting. All the while, much of the government is more concerned about governing what a woman does with her own body.

I pray that things will be able to change. I'm trying to do as much as I can by getting me the help I need and being close to my daughter so she doesn't end up following a darker path. But it's time for more to be done.

The State of Mandy

I may do these posts from time to time - in part so I can see how my recovery is progressing.

It has been a little over two weeks since I was let out of the hospital. Since then, I'm back to work full time. I'm very thankful that my job let me ease back into working by letting me do half days the first week back. And I'm thankful my job didn't try to fire me. I know there are jobs out there that would have - I've heard the horror stories. But I have a super boss who's been great throughout all of this.

The depression is getting better since I'm bad on my antidepressants. I have up days and down days but it's not the black cloud of doom I felt before. If I didn't have Todd and Emily, I may have been suicidal before - that's how bad I felt. But thankfully the pills are helping. Now the depression I feel is situational, because this situation sucks. But it's not as deep and black which is good.

I'm still pretty tired. Not as bad as the first week in December. Even working half days would wipe me right out. I did way over do it on Sunday. We went to church and went early because the choir I'm in was singing. After choir was Sunday School. I go to the Blessed and Stressed class and now that Todd has to come, he goes too. We are blessed but certainly stressed. It's a class kind of geared towards parents trying to juggle everything.

We went home and just vegged for a bit before Todd dropped Emily and I off at the Mountain Play Lodge for a birthday party. Todd had mixed up the dates and had volunteered to work on a friend of a friend's car. So I had to go with Emily while Todd worked on the car.

I mostly sat in the nice chairs they have but Emily would want me to come see what she was doing. I would also do my normal thing of take some pictures of Emily. Todd did come just before pizza and cake time. It was just brakes and he's really good at that.

Things were starting to get spinny at that point. I ate some pizza, and then some pie and ice cream. Not because I was hungry but because I was hoping it will help stop me from feeling so weak. It didn't. After the party, we went to the grocery store, and got some food. I had to hold onto the cart and Todd had to steer to. But we made it through and I ended back in bed.

I've been feeling a little better since then but still majorly tired. I have a bit of a cold which is not helping but trying to get over that too. It's winter and I have a kid so that's going to happen.

The memory issues are still plaguing me. Not much change there. Memory lapses like passwords still happen and I'm still glad I'm not allowed to drive. Around the house, I don't have issues but out and about I still have flashes of 'where the heck am I?'

Sadly I realized the last few days that I don't remember hardly anything from the Browncoat Ball, Emily's Birthday or Halloween. Makes me sad but not trying to push it. I'm staying away from pictures of all three because I don't want to overload myself.

Christmas is fast approaching and I'm feeling better about it - at least more than when the dark cloud of depression was handing over me. But honestly I'm ready for it to be over and for it to be 2015. I'm ready for a new start.

But I'm very thankful for all the family and friends who has been so supportive of us. I really, really appreciate it

"Just Be Happy"

Image: vilagvaltozik.sfblogs.net 

Like everyone, I have pet peeves. The biggest pet peeve I have stems back eleven years when my chronic pain first started.

I went through nine months of hell trying to get my chronic pan under control. Tried everything under the sun, and none of it work. Finding some home remedies and my triggers helped a lot in the end.

But I got a lot of "Just be happy" from a lot of people during that time. I was depressed - it wasn't chemical - it was 'this situation really blows' depression. Years later after experiencing chemical depression, I know for sure that's what it was.

But people kept telling me to be happy like it was something I could just flip a switch. I was in pain, no-one knew why, I was still grieving the loss of my mom and I was hours away from my friends. I was going to be depressed! So all the 'be happy's' got to be super annoying.

I haven't been 'Be Happied" in years, but it happened yesterday and it was still super annoying. I'm going through a lot right now with my health, and my depression has been really bad. This one is chemical and thankfully my antidepressants are starting to work and the black cloud is starting to lift. But like it was eleven years ago, I cannot flip a switch and just be happy. That's not how the human body works.

I know the 'be happy' people don't mean anything about it, but if you ever have the desire to tell someone to 'just be happy' - DON'T! Especially if you know if that person is in the midst of a bad time. Be supportive, check to make sure they are doing okay, but never, every say 'Just be happy'

Stuffed Animals & Adults

The above tweet was one of many that I tweeted and retweeted last night in the wake of Robin William' passing. I had just put Emily to bed when I found out and Todd was at work. I snuggled into bed with my stuffed puppy though for something to hug.

I'm sure many people think stuffed animals are just for kids. I loved them when I was young and my Pooh was so loved that he is flat now. Even though college and beyond, I always liked sleeping with a stuffed animal. I liked hugging something that didn't wiggle like a person did.

Several years ago, Emily gave me one of her bears and he was dubbed Chronic Pain Bear. When Todd went into the hospital and was diagnosed with MS earlier this year, we gave Chronic Pain Bear to him. Emily gave me a new stuffed animal who was renamed Chronic Pain Puppy.

We all sleep with our respective stuffed animals. Emily's favorites change. Right now her favorite is a tiger that she named White Ninja. But it was a comfort to me to have Chronic Pain Puppy to snuggle while I was grieving

Depression and Suicide

Image: wikipedia.com

I've been reading Emily a chapter of Coraline most nights, which has been making our bedtime routine a little longer than it previously has been. I was offline for about a half hour doing bedtime things with her - potty, teeth, story, song, prayers and finally tuckering her in.

I did what I do most nights and I opened up Facebook on my phone to find that Robin Williams had been found dead of an apparent suicide. I had no idea that he had been suffering from depression.

He made up a lot of bits of my childhood. I remember watching him in Mork and Mindy as a very small child. I loved him as the genie in Aladdin and as Peter Pan in Hook. He was just a great, great entertainer.

Depression is a serious disease and it breaks my heart that it has claimed another life. I never really understood depression until I started having issues with it myself. I've talked about my struggles with depression before.

Depression drains you of hope, but like The Bloggess says, depression lies. Depression tells you that you are worthless, that life isn't worth it. But there is hope out there.

There can be such a stigma with taking antidepressants but I don't understand why. When I finally got help when I had postpartum depression, it was like a veil had been lifted. I had been in darkness for eight months and didn't realize something was wrong because depression wants you to think that it's the norm.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I still am on antidepressants. I suffer from depression and anxiety - those little pills that I take help me lead a happier life.

My thoughts and prayers are with Robin Williams and his loved ones tonight. It makes my heart ache that he felt he had to take that final step. But I truly hope that he is at peace now.

What My Migraines Feel Like

Me in the midst of a migraine

The only name that I was given for my chronic condition was daily chronic headaches. I usually describe them as pain in my head that I have all the time that can get migraine bad. I think a lot of people think of migraines as a really bad headache, but they are much more than that.

When my pain levels are low, my pain is usually just located in my forehead. It’s usually a dull ache that I can generally ignore. This is how I feel most of the time and the pain never goes away completely.

My pain levels can shoot up for a variety of reasons. I have triggers like changes in the weather and the smell of raw onions. But sometimes my pain levels can go up for no known reason. When they go up, that’s when I start having migraines.

When I get a migraine, the pain moves down my face and my whole face will hurt. If the pain is bad enough, my teeth will ache and the pain has even moved down as far as my neck and chest. I also get auras. My sight will start to get fuzzy which can make it very difficult to look at a computer screen especially if I’m in a room with bright lights. I’ll also start to lose brain power. I just can’t think as quickly or as well as I do when my pain levels are low. My sensitivity to light gets worse and my depression gets worse if the high pain level lasts more than a few days.

My migraines aren't just a lot of pain, but it’s a whole neurological meltdown. I try to muddle through the best that I can. No medicine works so I tend to wear cold packs to try and dull the pain. Otherwise, sleep is usually what helps the most. Thankfully the pain and auras do ebb away and my pain level drops back to normal levels so I can resume my normal life.

Chronic Pain, Pregnancy and Parenting

Emily with Chronic Pain Bear

When I was younger, I had the life goals of being married and having kids. While my goals changed over the years, I still wanted to be a mom someday. My chronic pain started just as I was starting to date Todd. I got in control of the pain somewhat and decided that I wasn't going to let the pain stop me from living my life.

Early in our relationship, Todd and I had a long discussion about what we wanted long time out of a relationship as well as what our goals and dreams were. Todd wasn’t as gungho about having kids as I was, but still was willing to have one. We decided that we weren’t going do anything but try. If I couldn’t get pregnant the old-fashioned way, we just weren’t going to put ourselves the stress of trying to conceive with fertility drugs or IVF.

We got married September 30, 2006. Because we were already living in NC, we went home to Michigan to get married. All of our vacation time for that year was used up on our wedding so we waited a year to take our honeymoon. As soon as we got back from our Disney World honeymoon, we started trying for a baby.

At the time, Todd and I were working separate shifts. We only saw each other on the weekends so I figured it would take a while to get pregnant. We were both very surprised when I found out I was pregnant three months after we started trying.

Pregnancy isn’t fun at the best times, but my chronic pain made it worse for me. I did not really enjoy being pregnant for most of my pregnancy. The 1^st trimester was miserable for me. My pain levels were higher than usual and I was so nauseous most of the time. I could hardly eat and lost a ton of weight. Because of the weight loss, I only gained about 8 pounds over the course of my whole pregnancy.

The 2^nd trimester was a little better. My pain levels returned back to normal and I started to show. Emily was starting to move but it didn’t affect my sleep. I felt good enough in my 8^th month to go to Dragon Con. I had a great time, though thankfully took advantage of the disability services. I was able to wait for panels by sitting in the handicapped area where there were chairs and staff members would bring us water sometimes.

Once Dragon Con was done, I started feeling worse. I was getting huge at that point, and was having issues moving around. My pain levels spiked again and I was having a lot of trouble sleeping. I only had one comfortable position when I was lying down, but Emily didn’t like it so she’d kick me until I moved. It was unpleasant.

I was induced on October 17, 2008. After laboring for 13 hours and not progressing, I had a c-section. Emily came into the world just fine, and starting nursing like a champ right away. We stayed in the hospital a couple of days so I could recover, and then we headed home.

Parenting was exhausting in the beginning. I would keep her in our room so I could sleep while she slept. I ended up being laid off from my job right before I was supposed to go back after maternity leave because of the poor economy. I never intended on being a stay at home mom so it was a bit of an adjustment.

I ended up suffering from postpartum depression and I was untreated for eight months because I thought I was just depressed because of losing my job. I got help and as Emily got a little older, I started to feel more human again.

Because I’ve had chronic pain since before Emily was born, she’s only known me with my pain. I think this may help her be a more caring person when she grows up. It’s given her a unique view of chronic pain even at the tender age of four.

When she kisses my forehead, she says she is kissing my headache. She gives my headache lots of kisses so I can feel better. One day when I was feeling really bad, she gave me one of her teddy bears. He got the name Chronic Pain Bear and I snuggle him when I’m feeling really badly. She’ll also cuddle with me and be quieter when she knows I’m having a high pain day.

I feel bad when my pain level is so high that I can’t play with her but luckily she is an understanding and caring child. While having a baby when suffering from chronic daily headaches probably wasn’t a great idea, I’m glad I did because I love my daughter very much.

My Struggles with Depression

The face of depression (and a Stormtrooper)

I think everyone with chronic pain experiences depression sometimes. In my case, I've experiences two types of depression. This isn't scientific but I’ve found that my depression is either situational or chemical.

Situational means that I’m in a situation that sucks and there isn't much that I can do about it, so I get depressed. Chemical depression is when there is a chemical imbalance in my body. Both kinds are not any fun but they feel different to me.

When my chronic pain started, I went through nine months of trying different treatments that didn't work. I became increasingly more depressed as the time went on because the pain was constant and bad. There was a logical reason why I was depressed so when my doctor put me on an antidepressant, it didn't work. This was situational depression because my situation at the time sucked.

I managed to work my way out of my depression as I got a hold on my pain. I didn't deal with ongoing depression again until after my daughter was born. It took me eight months to figure out that I was suffering from postpartum depression. The thing that clued me into the fact that I was dealing with a chemical imbalance was that we were supposed to go to a local convention and I wasn't excited or happy at all. I just felt down and out of sorts. I knew that I needed help at that point and I went to my doctor. I got put on antidepressants and I felt like a whole new person once they started working.

I eventually went off the antidepressants as the postpartum depression got better. Last year, I started having panic attacks because of my family drama. I cut several people out of my life and I felt much better, so I went off the antidepressants again. In this case I think it was a little chemical with a lot of situational depression because the antidepressants helped but getting rid of the awful people in my life was what helped the most.

It was about a year later when I started feeling out of control with depression and panic attacks. This was all chemical because things were going pretty well with my life. I felt totally out of control and wasn't just acting like myself. I got back to the doctor and got back on antidepressants. For now, I’m not planning on going off the antidepressants. I felt so much better once I got back on the pills.

This week I've been experiencing some situational depression. My pain levels have been very high and it’s been making it hard for me to do just about anything beyond working and caring for Emily. I feel really worthless when my pain levels skyrocket, in part because I've lost several friends due to my chronic pain and depression. But like the Bloggess says, Depression Lies and I try to muddle through any type of depression I experience.