Flare of Doom

Image: tabuherbalsmoke.com 

When you suffer from chronic pain, flares happen when the pain levels get so much worse. When you are in pain all the time, pain because the norm and it takes a lot of really stop you in your tracks.

This particular flare started on Friday. I did what I do, took the abortive I had and tried to sleep. The abortive I was using is pretty much crap, but usually it helps me sleep and that's what helps get me on the road to normal for me.

I was able to work on Saturday but was feeling pretty rough by the time my shift was over. I took a nap and felt a little better.

Sunday morning, I felt pretty rough so I stayed in bed most of the day. In the afternoon, I was feeling a little bit better so we got some food and then Todd went to the movies.

The pain started notching up pretty fast, especially after I had gotten Emily into bed. It wasn't the pain so much that my whole head, starting at my temples and going down into my nose and my jaw was throbbing with pain.

By the time Todd had gotten home from the movies, I was unable to even watch TV because the pain was so bad. I took another abortive, and Todd laid down with me in our dark bedroom until I started to feel vaguely sleepy.

I was able to sleep for about four hours. Usually when I wake up, it takes a little bit for the pain to go back up, even in the midst of a flare. Not on Sunday night / Monday morning, my whole head was screaming in pain the moment I woke up at 4 am. I took my last abortive and managed to get a few more hours sleep.

Thankfully Monday is one of my days off. I laid in bed in pretty intense pain. But I really, really didn't want to go to the ER. Going to the ER is a big old suck. Time suck, pain suck, massive suck for Todd.

So as soon as my neurologist was open, I called in. I love my neurologist and she got me a prescription for something that really worked in the past (but sadly isn't something I can take often), and my pharmacy got it ready pretty fast.

Kind, wonderful Todd went to Walmart and got the meds. I took them, ate some food and thankfully was able to sleep. When I woke up, I felt like a whole new woman. I was even well enough to talk Emily to Girl Scouts.

Today I'm still feeling a little sick. But I'm able to work and the pain is at about a 6. Before it was a 9 on its way to a 10.

Thankfully flares like this don't happen a lot. The worst part is the not being able to sleep. When I'm sleeping, it's the only time when I'm not feeling pain. Sadly, I can't avoid flares like this. This one was all weather related. We didn't get hit by the hurricane but it moved a lot of bad weather into our area. I know that's why I felt so wretched. But it's just another day in the life of someone with chronic pain.

The Anatomy of A Migraine Flare

As you probably know, I'm a long time chronic pain sufferer. This past weekend, I had an extremely bad migraine flare, and I thought I'd talk some about how my flares go. 

Image: www.glamour.com 

This whole month has been full of mini flares, starting over 4th of July when my neighbors were blowing up the neighborhood with fireworks. But it got really bad the middle of last week because of tons pop up thunderstorms.

The first part of the flare usually involves both pain and pressure. As the storms move in, the pressure grows in my head. Usually once the storms reach us, the pressure subsides. But because I live in the mountains, the storms sometimes fall apart before reaching here, leaving me with all the pressure. After a couple of days of this, my whole head throbs.

Once the pressure is pushing down on my head, that's when the auras can start. Auras are what make migraines different than just headaches. Auras can be different for every migraine sufferer. Mine are usually dizziness, fogginess, balance issues, light sensitivity and general brain dumb-ness. In short, massive brain fog and lots of almost falling down. 

I tried to work for several days but it got impossible to focus on the computer screen. It even got so bad that even just watching tv was too bright, which tells me that things are getting really bad. By Friday, I was miserable. I called my neurologist but she wasn't in the office, but the lady who answered the phone was going to try and text her for a new prescription. 

Because the pain had gotten so bad that I couldn't do anything, Todd ended up taking me to the ER. Usually it doesn't get to this point, but right now we are playing the merry-go-round of meds when it comes to a good abortive to break the cycle when it gets really bad. I didn't have any that worked, which is why I ended up in the ER for the first time in over six months.

Sadly, the ER gave me a cocktail that helped a little at first, but then messed up really bad. Thankfully, my neurologist had been reached and a new abortive was called into my pharmacy. Finally I was able to sleep and break the cycle, ending the flare.

The end of a major flare is a great feeling. I've been feeling great the last few days but trying not to overdo it. 

The Isolation of Chronic Pain

Image: http://chronicheadaches.files.wordpress.com/

I talk about my chronic pain a lot, but a lot of time my words are guarded. I try to not to seem too depressed about it, because I've lost friendships in part because of my chronic pain.

Yesterday my pain levels were very high. The highest they have been in a long time. I couldn't do much beyond lay in bed and watch TV. Emily joined me for a while and colored while I watched TV. I managed to get out of bed to make dinner, but that's all I did yesterday. I even missed Todd going to work because I was napping and that made me sad.

On high pain days, I try to stay off social media because I don't want to complain too much. But that just another thing that isolates me. I don't have a lot of real life friends so most of my friendships / human interaction comes from the internet. But I also don't want to lose the friends I have now.

I worry that Todd will leave me because of my pain too - though he's been around since the beginning of it and stuck around so far. I've already lost friends, family, in part because I deal with this invisible illness.

The invisible part makes me isolated too. I don't look sick, even yesterday when I was considering going to the ER because the pain was that bad. I don't look like I feel - if I did, I'd have a huge head wound. As it is, it's all internal.

I never want sympathy, but I'd love to be able to talk openly about how I'm feeling. I'd like someone or someones who I could text and not worry that I'm being too depressing. But that just leads to bad things. I've lost two "best" friends in part because of my chronic pain, and that hurts a lot. I'm not perfect and goodness knows that I've made mistakes in my life, but nothing to warrant the pain and isolation that I suffer from.

I do have good things in my life and I try to focus on that. I still can work, I have Todd and Emily, I do have friends in my computer and my health, while crappy, is better than other people's out there. I just wish there was a way for me to be honest with how I feel everyday, with the highs and the lows. But for now, I will probably stay a bit guarded, no matter how isolating it may be.

Being A Parent With Chronic Pain

June is Migraine Awareness Month. This is my 4rd in a series of posts about my experiences with chronic migraines. The first was about a day in the life with chronic migraines , the second was about an unfortunate superpower that comes with migraines and the third is about how chronic pain makes me a shut-in.

I always knew I wanted to have kids. I'm not sure why because I never really liked kids growing up and babies made me feel very uncomfortable. I was always afraid I was going to drop them or something like that. But I wanted one of these creatures for my very own.

My chronic pain started before I was married but I still wanted a child. Todd and I started dating around the time my headaches started. We did the long distance thing but he heard about all I went through during the nine months of hell I went through while the doctors tried to find a cause.

When we started getting serious, we sat down and had a long talk about everything. Our expectations for marriage, religion, and of course, kids. Todd was on the fence about kids, so we agreed we would not do any fertility treatments. If I couldn't get pregnant the old-fashioned way, we weren't meant to have kids. 

After our honeymoon, we started trying for a baby. It only took three months before I became pregnant. Being pregnancy while suffering from chronic migraines was miserable. I felt awful the first and third trimesters because my pain didn't go away. In some ways, it got worse.

Emily Morgan was born on October 17, 2008 via a c-section. She was perfect but I was still in pain. When she was a baby, it was easier. I'd veg out with her in my arms and I'd sleep when she slept. Now that she's older, I feel more guilty about the high pain days when I'm basically stuck in bed.

She is very sweet about it though. She gave me one of her teddy bears and named him Chronic Pain Bear. When Todd went in the hospital and was diagnosed with MS, we gave him Chronic Pain Bear. Emily gave me a dog stuffed animal who got named Chronic Pain Puppy.

I try to do as much with her as I can. We went to the pool on Thursday even though I wasn't feeling great. I don't want her to be stuck inside all summer because of my chronic pain issues. I paid for it on Friday, but it was worth it to see my daughter have a great time splashing in the water.

I wonder sometimes if I'm doing her a disservice because of my chronic migraines. But she is loved and well cared for, which is more than other kids out there. 

Chronic Pain and Being a Shut-In

June is Migraine Awareness Month. This is my 3rd in a series of posts about my experiences with chronic migraines. The first was about a day in the life with chronic migraines and the second was about an unfortunate superpower that comes with migraines.

The picture for this post is a meme that has been going around on my Facebook wall. This is a feeling I know all too well. I'm a bit of a shut-in. 

Now my chronic pain isn't the only reason I'm shut-in. Since Todd works 2nd shift, if I go anywhere after work I have to have an Emily with me. Now that she's older, it's not as big of a deal but I still can't do things like table top gaming because she'd want to play and her reading ability isn't very strong.

Some days, it's hard for me to get out of bed. And some days I have to go straight back to bed once I'm done working. I rarely leave the house since I work from home and sometimes just being able to go to Wal-Mart is a treat.

Unfortunately, I don't get invited to a lot of things. I don't get the Facebook invites for Browncoat karaoke anymore among other things and I don't really have a lot of local friends. I even have been missing church a lot lately because of illness.

It's sad and I'm lonely, but I can't make people like me. This is something I found out the hard way over the years. I've lost several close friendships in part because of my chronic pain issues. My only really close friend anymore is Todd, and he's required to be my friend because he's my husband. I have Emily - but she's my kid and not a friend.

I'd like to try to make more friends, but it's hard because I've been burned in the past. And because it's hard to go anywhere lately because of having one car, lack of money and higher pain levels. My anxiety levels have been higher too which doesn't help.

I'm afraid it might be too late for me - that I probably won't have a best friend ever again beyond Todd. My life isn't too bad on the whole but I do get lonely especially for female friendships. 

If you know someone who is suffering from chronic pain, try to keep in contact with them. Even just an email or text would make their day!

The Worst Superpower

Image: Wikipedia.com

June is Migraine Awareness Month. This is my 2nd in a series of posts about my experiences with chronic migraines. You can read the first here.

I have an awful superpower. One that would not qualify me to be part of the X-Men or the Avengers. My superpower is being able to sense when storms are coming in.

Pressure changes are awful and they nearly always trigger a migraine. We are suppose to get a bunch of storms later today. I didn't feel too badly but I was sitting at my desk and working when suddenly my pain level jumped from about a 3 to a 6 or 7. Sudden jumps like that make me feel very woozy in part because my auras tend to make it seem like I'm looking through water.

I live in the mountains so the storms often don't make it past the mountains. The storms are a necessary part because when they come through they relieve the pressure that's built up. If they fall apart before they reach me, I tend to be miserable and in pain for several days.

I'd love to get rid of this superpower because weather / pressure changes is the one trigger I can't avoid. I can avoid drinking anything with caffeine, I can steer clear of raw onions, I can even keep my stress levels down. But I cannot control the weather.

I'm still working despite the high pain levels but it's going to be a 'head back to bed' kind of day for me!

A Day in The Life With Chronic Migraines

Image: http://migraine.com/

June is National Migraine Awareness Month and I'm hoping to do several posts to promote awareness. First up is how my chronic migraines can really screw with my life.

I have daily chronic headaches that get migraine bad. And when I say migraine bad, I'm not just taking about higher pain levels. I get auras and nausea, my brain gets fuzzy as does my vision. I get the whole migraine package.

This particular migraine started on Saturday after Wizard World. I slept poorly Saturday night and was feeling worse on Sunday. We drove home on Sunday and I went right to bed.

Monday I still felt bad but I felt well enough to work. I worked my shift and went back to bed. I rested all day. But I went into the living room after I put Emily to bed. There were voices outside my door which I knew someone was in my car port. I went and peeked out my windows and there was a man and woman walking down my driveway. I'm not sure why they thought it would be fun to trespass on my property, but it gave me a small panic attack.

I still rested the rest of the evening and got to sleep early. I slept like a rock but Todd said that I kept making weird noises in the night. I didn't wake up at all during the night which is odd for me

Now we get to the day in the life part. I woke up yesterday feeling like a train had hit me. I stumbled out of bed and went to my computer. Everything was blurry to the point that I had to touch my face to make sure I had put my glasses on. I knew I couldn't work like that so I emailed in sick.

I am very lucky because whenever I get sick my boss just moves my hours to my day off which is Sunday. I was a kind wife and I let Todd sleep in. I went into the living room with Emily and we watched all the Sailor Moon episodes that were up on Hulu.

During the last episode, Todd got up so I headed back to bed. I turned on Netflix and Charmed. I was sick enough that I couldn't do anything else - I tend to be a multitasker so my hands are using busy with cross stitching and other things. But the pain was bad enough that all I could do was lay there and watch tv in a dark room.

Finally my body decided that it was time to sleep. I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open. It was nearly time for Todd to go to work, so I had Emily come in the bedroom. She amused herself with our iPad while I cat napped for a bit. I felt better when I woke up. Enough that I could make supper and hang out with Emily.

I got Emily to bed and I went back to bed myself. Watched a little more tv and cross stitched a little more. Then I went to sleep.

Today I still am suffering from the same migraine but it's a little better so I'm working. Yesterday was not a typical day in my life, thankfully, but it happens thanks to my chronic migraines. Thankfully I have a good job and a good boss, an understanding husband and a great kid. But just a small thing like people walking up my driveway can give me a panic attack which can lead to higher pain levels.

My life is a game of Russian roulette. I don't get shot but I do get bowled over with the pain sometimes. I try to be as normal as I can but I'm not normal. I'm a chronic migraine sufferer.

Literal...

Image: http://charlotteheadachecenter.com/

As I've mentioned before, I suffer from daily chronic headaches. They get migraine bad often, and I'm not just talking about higher pain levels. I get auras that give me vision problems, I have a hard time thinking clearly and I tend to take things very literally.

It took me a while to realize I was being so literal. I did it this morning without thinking about it at work, but I did realize after a moment that the person I was talking to was being sarcastic. It's a very interesting side effect to my migraines.

When my pain levels go up, I feel my intelligence slipping down. I can't brain today is a fact of life for me some days. I think because of the intense pain, my higher brain functions will short out a bit.

So if I take something you say either in person or online literally, it's probably because my brain isn't working correctly.