Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Chronic Pain and Suicide

My two big reasons for living
I was reading the blogs I follow yesterday and I came across The Bloggess’ post about Suicide Prevention Week. Her post has some great links to where you can get help if you are feeling suicidal. But I thought I’d talk a little about chronic pain and suicide.

When I was a teenager, a friend of the family committed suicide. He was in a dead end job and his wife had just left him. Since I was so young, I saw things more in black and white. I couldn't understand why anyone would take their life. Now that I’m older and have more life experience, I can understand it a little more.

It always makes me sad when I hear that someone with chronic pain has committed suicide, but I can understand. I've had those thoughts myself sometimes. I've never been really suicidal, but some days when the pain is really bad and I get really depressed, it’s hard not to have those thoughts.

Living with chronic pain is hard even on the good days. I’m one of the lucky ones. I can hold a job and do fun thinks like Dragon Con and Disney World. But sometimes the pain levels get unbearable. This past Sunday night I was in a lot of pain and Todd was working. I was going down the path of bad depression, but I wasn't suicidal thank goodness.

I have had vaguely suicidal thoughts in the past, especially when my chronic pain first started. Chronic pain plus depression and anxiety is not a good combination. I've thought about how I would do it but that’s as far as it’s ever gone.

There is so much to live for. For me, I have my wonderful husband and child, plus all my friends and family. And I’m a Christian so I don’t really want to tempt fate / Hell by taking my life. I just try to take it one day at a time.

I hope that if I became truly suicidal, I would get help. Life is precious, even with chronic pain.


  1. Thank you for posting this. A colleague and comrade of mine passed away at the tender age of 36. It seems he ended his life. I'm not absolutely sure but there was no cause of death announced, and his friends are talking about him as though he committed suicide. I didn't know him incredibly closely, but I saw him every time we worked a concert and spoke with him regularly. I took his presence in my life for granted.

    I remember reading about how cluster headaches are also called suicide headaches because of the agonizing pain and lack of relief. I understand the desire to end suffering but I feel that nobody can knows what happens after death. What if the physical and emotional pain is untouched and unalleviated after death? It's a big wager.

    I hope you always have wonderful reasons to live, and I hope that some day soon, being pain-free is one of them.

    1. It is a big wager - I hope that life after death will be better but I'm not ready to test that at this point. It can be hard though, living in constant pain, and I know my pain is better than other people's. I can still work and such.

      I think I'll always have reasons to live, but I'm resigned to the fact that I'll have pain forever